I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
