dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
