I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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