i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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