I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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