I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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