my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
