I'm jealous of your bromance
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
