The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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