Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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