Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
