I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
