I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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