I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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