after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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