After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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