Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I want to fling myself into the sun
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
