I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize