sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
