I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
