dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Bring me that man meat
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
