I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
