I got chris browned last night
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
