You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
