If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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