I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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