Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
