im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
