So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
