Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
True strength comes from lack of pants
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