At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
