Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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