When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
