Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
