That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
