remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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