I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Watching her eat just hurts me
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
