just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
