life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize