Its about making memories worth repressing
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
