I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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