i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
ok first of all what the fuck
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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