The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
