So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
