I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
