Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
