I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we're making bets on your personal life
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
