watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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