i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
