we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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