Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
