man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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