how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
