did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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