I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
