Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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