I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
