What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
