all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
