Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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