I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
