ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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